Sid Tillsley is a forty-six year old benefit-fraudster, from Middlesbrough, and one thing sets him apart from his northern brethren. Yes, he's an overweight alcoholic, and he's also sexist, homophobic and a lazy git... but what makes him different is that he can kill vampires with a single punch.

Now, as you can imagine, killing a vampire with a big haymaker is pretty amazing. After all, they are big hard bastards who can regenerate and stuff, and if anyone could kill them, Dracula would never have lived up to his tough-guy persona. So, when Sid kills a vampire, whom he wrongly suspects as being a homosexual dogger trying it on with him, the whole vampire world is thrown into a state of shock.

In the north-east, another monster has arisen, and one who doesn't subscribe to 'Tits.' A vampire beast is stalking the Yorkshire moors, mutilating and destroying everything in its path. The vampire elders realise that the Firmamentum has cast its shadow on the world once more. A phenomenon which happens every few millennia, where a human and a vampire are born ultimately powerful and destined to oppose each other. If Sid doesn't face the vampire monster, it will jeopardise the relative peace between the species and full-blown war will be inevitable.

That's all well and good, but Sid just wants to get pissed down the pub with his mates, and, maybe, just maybe, end his two year drought with the ladies. Besides, Sid has more important things to worry about... the benefit office are on to him, and, if they see him scrapping, they'll know that his bad back and dodgy heart are all a load of bollocks.

REVIEW

Great Debut! - (Matt Coops on 11 February 2009)
I must say that it is one of the funniest books that I have read in a very long time. Considering that this is his first feature length novel, it is very impressive and I enjoyed it more than many other books by well established comedy authors. It is quite a surreal and very original storyline for a book but it's packed with great sarcastic and absurd humour which, if you love films like Shaun of The Dead etc then you will be laughing out loud in no time. There are some good bits of violent action as well! It truly is a great comedy horror - think of it in some way as the novel version of the films "Blade" or "Underworld" (without the werewolves) crossed with something like "Withnail and I". Very enjoyable and can't wait for his next book.

Reviewed by: Matt Coops.
Reader's Reviews from Mobipocket.

EXCERPT

'Sid Tillsley!' he shouted in a booming tone.

Everyone in the street turned round, whilst the women inside the pub continued to rampage.

'Do you know what I am?'

'A tosser,' shouted a drunk from the back of the group.

Sid scratched his head, and then his bumcrack. 'No idea, mon, actually, don't you play darts for the Queen's Head?'

'He's a vampire, Sid,' said Reece.

'Really? All them years and I never knew. To be honest, I should have realised. He's a pale fella and I only ever see him at night.'

'My name is Gunnar Ivansey...'

'I thought it was Stan?' interrupted Sid.

Gunnar ignored it. '...I am here to kill you.'

'I've been calling him Stan all these years. It's embarrassing when that happens.'

'You killed my brother, Gabriel. I am here to repay the debt...and to add to it!'

Sid looked at Brian, 'I thought Stan's brother was killed by a falling satellite?'

Whilst Sid's head was turned, Gunnar charged and fired four inconceivably powerful punches into his face.

The crowd gasped... Sid had taken a step back!

The crowd looked on in excited apprehension.

Gunnar stepped back. He had unleashed all he had, and the man had only stepped backwards. The crowd were impressed though. This vampire fella must be pretty handy if he can move Sid with a punch.

Sid gave his chin a wiggle. 'Now then, lad, I nearly spilled me beer there.' Sid held on to his tankards of ale. The ground was dry. Sid did a mighty biceps curl and downed his right pint, he repeated on the left side, like all good athletes.

Ale was down. It was fighting time.